The Nico Station

“Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates…”

“Oh, hi, Satan. What’s up downstairs?”

“It’s tiiiiime…”

“Yeah, but we’re still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he’ll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and…”

“Sorry, Bill. I’ve given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs’ head on a platter.”

“Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I…”

“Regardless, a deal’s a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me.”

“Now, let’s be reasonable here, Satan…”

“Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You’re the richest man in the world! You’ve got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We’re even using NT to run hell’s WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That’s one of the reasons I’ve come to collect. If you can’t get my network to run right, you’ll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells…”

“What’s your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You’re a funny guy for someone who breathes fire.”

“Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java…”

“Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You’re going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share.”

“Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator.”

“That’s not a solution, that’s one of those Grimm’s fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn’t going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs.”

“Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give God a strategic technology advantage!”

“Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?”

“Interesting. Tell me more.”

“Wait a minute. What’s in it for me?”

“I promise I won’t turn you into Larry Ellison’s bidet right this
second.”

“Okay, that works for me. Here’s the word…disable.”

“Disable what?”

“Disable Java support in Internet Explorer.”

“You mean Microsoft’s web browser won’t run Java anymore?”

“That’s right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn’t buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes.”

“The Department of Justice will…”

“Will what? Punish me because I won’t support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don’t have to sell Fords. Pepsi’s restaurants don’t have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?”

“It’s an industry standard…”

“It’s an industry hallucination.”

“There will be a public outcry…”

“From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They’re up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee.”

“What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?”

“Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It’s a safe bet most people will soon use IE for Web access. If they come to a site that doesn’t work because of Java, they’ll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say ‘Playstation.’”

“What about other platforms…”

“Like Intel has competition?”

“Interactive TV…”

“We call it WebTV in Redmond.”

“Venture capitalists have invested billions…”

“To get a date with Kim Polese.”

“Sun will write a plug-in…”

“Not without the hidden APIs.”

“Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay.”

“Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement…”

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”